With Halloween right around the corner, one can’t help but reminisce of days in sweaty winter coats with a polyester Jem apron strapped on top.
Lugging a full pillowcase with intentions of filling it to the brim, my friends and I used to hit up the “rich” part of town first in hopes of full chocolate bars and cans of pop.Cul de sacs full of giant brick houses, passing out loot bags worth at least five dollars and those wealthy folk usually delivered and never disappointed.
That being said we thought we would rhyme off the worst candy found inside that pumpkin bucket, with plastic so fine on the lip, it scratched a fine layer of skin from your hand when you reached innocently for a pack of rockets. This way all candy givers can prepare themselves and be the coolest people on the block, by avoiding the following terrible options:
1. Black jelly beans. What am I, a dad?
Seriously lady, dried grapes. Take them back and put em in your bran muffins where they belong.
3. Caramel squares. What am I opening a Nirvana CD? It should not be this difficult to access sugar.
4. Pack of oatmeal. Have you ever gotten this? Well I have and it’s beyond disappointing. If I wanted breakfast, I’d hit up Cora’s.
5. Plain bag of chips. Stop taking up precious square footage in my pillowcase. Why are they always plain?
6. Candy corn- completely overrated.
7. Small pack of rockets. I need to know why this even exists when the bigger option is available at the same cost.
8. Yellow lollipop. Equivalency to a cough drop does not slot you into the candy category. Most yellow hard candies are a total shame.
9. Tootsie Rolls. Pretty much coffee that has been hardened and then melted with added sugar.
10. Peppermints. They are meant for Grandma’s china bowl or a restaurant. There is no room in my bucket for a breath freshener.
So folks, you don’t necessarily have to loosen your wallets to gain popularity this Halloween but rather choose wisely and you shall succeed.
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